a slice of me

Cult of Personality

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 09:32:39 -0500

When I was a child, I hate making a new friends.
I love my comfort zone, having just one friend are more than enough for the little me. I think it’s of no use to make friends since most of the kids on my block are kind of snob and rude to each others. plus the fact that deep down I’m socially awkward. I was a quiet child you know, I don’t know how to start a conversation with the other kids, all of those years of my childhood I spent waiting for someone to approach me since I’m not good at it.

As I got older I start to learn to mingle and make friends. Because I can’t keep isolating myself. But it just that my hatred toward my hometown it’s just too big, I dislike it so much that my dream was to moving out of town. I dislike every inch of it. It always rains here and most of the time I fucking hate rain, it’s cold and sad and gloomy. Then we talk about the people, they love to talk behind someone’s back, stabbing each other with their own words, cutting people’s heads off. And I can’t stand myself for slowly turning to be like them! So I quit.
It’s just too negative over here, and they’re fine with it (the people that live here). I’m always confused and disgusted by their behaviour. The fact that I lost my best friends and realizing they were never actually your friend to begin with also play a big part on it. But also I can’t blame them because when I look at my own reflection I can’t stand it.
How does it feel like to be what you’ve become what you said you would never be?

my world begins to spin out of control when my parents sent me away to boarding school for troubled teens, I held a grudge against my parents over it for years and years, the self destruction that turned me into a monster, all the sleepless nights that I’ve been going through, and all the constant conversation with myself in my head are killing me. I was constantly in trouble and deeply unhappy with things that weren’t working out there.
They robbed my freedom. I desperately wanted to leave. I’m not missing my home I just wanted to go anywhere but that place. the destruction they’ve caused in me couldn’t be more than this.
The thing that hurts me so much back then was when I came home there’s a lot of things that changed and when I see my family I feel like a bystander. It’s hard to describe those kind of feelings but it’s just so uncanny, it felt as if I was a missing part of something and I don’t belong there. the worst part of it was that I attempted to kill myself few times, but I just love life so much that I don’t want to leave but also hate it so much that I felt like giving up. I was living like lost soul, a robot, a mannequin. I walk, I sleep, I talk, I eat but it’s so vague.
Then It’s time for me to go, I leave my town, I leave my house. I’m on my own.
I love my solitude, it’s keeping me alive, away from everything that reminds me of my past. Leaving was the best thing that I have ever done for myself since I don’t want to lose myself anymore.

We humans keep secrets or lie, we are imperfect beings.
I still find It’s hard to open up, a part of me has died, but that’s okay.
We’ll figure it out later.

Pieces

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 09:32:01 -0500

She asks the bartender which drink would suit her best?
He answers “anykind of drinks would suit you”
“I guess I’m universal then”
He then added “but a cup of hot chocolate would perfectly fits you”
“Why?” She stares up at him, right into his eyes.
“Because you’re cold and sometimes a little bit of love won’t hurt you”
Jakarta, 2016.

February Fourteenth

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 08:53:44 -0500

you see this?
this is my heart before I know you
cold, stiff, dark.
and full with a really - really bad stuff.

but now after I know you
my heart starts to grow
it finally filled with sugar,
butterfly,
flower,
and a lot of sweet things.

but then in just one blow
you turned my heart into one little tiny dot

and I can’t blame you for that

because I’m the one who start it all and again,
I’m the one who let my heart sinking

I don’t need you because the more I grow fonder of you,

the more I wish we were strangers again

oh wait, we already are

Venus

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 08:52:38 -0500

I had a chameleon soul
no fixed personality
I belonged to no one
I belonged to everyone
I had nothing
I wanted everything
It pushed me to the nomadic point of-
madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Reach

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 08:52:15 -0500

Reach

Sins

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 08:51:57 -0500

Unforgiven
Haunted

To seek for the light
But all it see
Only despair
In the dark

To whom it may concerns
Beg. Beg. Beg.
Till the end of the road
All it see only the dark

Indi

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 08:48:11 -0500

Indi

To Be Loved

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:46:31 -0500

The chains of affection

Keep it long

Keep it tight

All it has only warmth

As deep as the ocean

Indiego

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:45:49 -0500

Indiego

Intensely Bitter

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:42:24 -0500

because I’m the darkness that covers your window at midnight

and at noon I changed into the light that burns your face

then I changed into the shadow that follows yourself

so let’s be honest and clear

which part of me that you love earnestly?

Jangan Tengok Ke Belakang

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:41:07 -0500

Biar nanti akan kutuliskan semua tentangmu agar melengkapi catatan ilusiku semata.
Lalu aku akan berteriak “persetan kalian semua”.
Kau akan berlari menjauh selagi aku mengambil pisau.
Kau akan terus berlari meninggalkan bayangku dengan pisau di tangan. Kau takut melangkah terlalu jauh karena kau masih melihat ke belakang. Lalu aku mengejarmu tapi tenagaku hanya separuh darimu. Kau tak sadar aku sudah berhenti mengejarmu. Pisauku sudah terasah tinggal kutusukkan pada perutku. Biarkan aku saja yang mati. Aku berdiam dengan genangan darah menyelimutiku.
Dan ketika aku hampir mati tiba-tiba kau kembali.
Pandanganmu menyaratkan rasa muak tapi kau mungkin kasihan padaku karena kau membantuku merawat luka tusukanku. Aku mencoba pulih tapi sial sudah tak ada lagi dewi fortuna di hidupku.
Aku merasa seperti bunga berduri yang setelah dipetik kau buang karena duriku menusuk jarimu.
Lupakan kejadian tempo hari. Kau boleh pergi.
Aku akan berhenti mengejar dan akan kulepaskan anganku dengan sayap patahku yang kian membusuk dari hari ke hari.
Satu saranku, jangan pernah tengok ke belakang.

ultra

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:40:28 -0500

ultra

elevate

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:38:51 -0500

elevate

To Die Young It’s Such A Pleasure

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:36:38 -0500

What’s more important?

The past, present, or future?
for me it’s the present.

why the present, you asked.
well it’s because past is a past and it’s time to moveon and the future is unstable and if you think about the future too much and you’re focusing on it too much, you’ll forget how to live right now.
to have your life
to feel
to see
to start “living”

very. very unfortunate because you’ll feel this detached meaningless moment where you can’t feel anything, and you are bored and lonely.

and to be happy, is that what everyone longing for?
if you think too much about the future then you won’t be happy at this moment because you’ll live a life that full of question and risk and something that will keeps you at night, wondering and wondering and always wondering what’ll you become later.
what if you die before you get what you want?
you’re going to die unhappy, that’s really sad, you know..

life is unfair but if you dwell on it
it becomes even more unfair!

Ode to TØP

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:34:57 -0500

keisukeasano:

In my personal experience, I found Twenty One Pilots when I was in a dark time. The first song that spoke to me was Car Radio. I don’t know why I loved this song so much but I did. All the lyrics felt like it was about me and only me. I felt special for the first time in a while. Once I memorized all the lyrics and listened to it for 3 weeks straight, I found out they had other songs, and those lyrics were just as good! And from there it’s only gotten better.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is that you can interpret their music in anyway to find a special meaning. You don’t have to wear special clothes or act a certain way to like their music. You can just be you.
Another reason why they as so appealing is because they are genuine, nice, kind people. You don’t hear bad things about them, they don’t act disrespectful or judgmental, they especially don’t rudely lick doughnuts or spit on fans or have merchandise that costs an arm and a leg. You also know the devotion of Tyler and Josh as well. They’ve been through hard times but have gotten through it, so you know you can too. All they ask from you is to stay alive and it’s so inspiring.
When you feel you’re not good enough and do not deserve to live, have suicidal thoughts, hate yourself and all you want is to die. If someone holds your hand and helps you out of this black hole of self-hatred, would you not love them? Half of the Clique is alive because of them. Tyler & Josh have thus connect with us because they too suffered from what we are/were suffering. All they’re trying is to help people through their music.
They have helped me! They have helped alot of other people like me. The least we can do is stay loyal to them. The clique is a family. We stay, struggle and succeed together. Loyalty is something that flows through our blood. Beacuse we have been rejected, stabbed in the back before and we know what that feels like.
Trust me it’s not what you want to feel. We will always be there for Them and They will always be there for Us.We’re not just the Few, the Proud, the Emotional.

We’re also very loyal, equally insane, overthinkers
Stay Alive Frens |-/

This piece was written by alienatedmsft aka nep.toon 👽
I fell for his writing on my first read.
He knows exactly what to say and pour it into one long message that left a big impression on me, he has a “quirky” twisted mind and constantly in deep thought if you get to know him. It almost feels like he has his own world and he’s living in another dimension (this is how I “observe” you ka actually, I’m sorry if I sound rude).
I’ve only known him for a short period of time and we get to know each other through music, it fascinates me how music can bring people together.
We feel different things and rush of emotion depends on what we listen to.
To summarize everything, I quote him,
“They just want us to don’t give up on life. Instead push through the droughts. Channel the inevitable dissapointments into your craft. Break molds. Think. Create. And most importantly, stay alive. And in the meantime, make it about others. That seems to work. Stay strong. Live on. And believe in power to the local dreamer.”

Makan Bangkai

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:33:01 -0500

Tuhan tahu mana yang benar
lalu saya berkomentar
biar mereka teriak ular

percuma bila saling sok benar
toh pada akhirnya semua akan buyar
binasa pada masa
lalu putus asa

seperti tinta pada kertas yang rusak
buram dan sesak
berubah menjadi kerak

biar asap yang membawamu kembali
ke tangan tuhan bukan tuan

karena setiap langkah akan dihitung biar mana yang benar hanya tuhan yang berkomentar

siapa kamu makan daging temanmu?

Bunga

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:28:06 -0500

Bunga

Crack

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:26:15 -0500

I’m very selfish

I’m self centered

I think about no one but myself

I’m in love with my own thoughts

I love my solitude

my desire to be alone are too much

I’m chaotic in a good way

I’m poetic in a bad way

I sound different when I talk to myself

I look so different when I’m on my own

I would fall asleep looking through the window at night

I would fall asleep because the sun is just too bright

I would fall asleep listening to nothing but my own breath

I want to meet myself

I want to

I want

Twisted / 2017

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:21:38 -0500

Twisted / 2017

Happy List

Sun, 24 Dec 2017 06:11:05 -0500

smell of baby powder
taking a warm shower before bed
the first bite of your food when you are hungry
smell of old books
strange feeling when you open a new book
smoking cigarettes
drinking water when you are thirsty
listening to good music
dancing when you are alone
reenacting a certain movie scene
a good hair day
late night drive
hugging
Putting up your hair like you just don’t care
sleeping while cuddling
taking pictures with your friends
going on a trip with your circle of friends
the tipsy feeling when you are in good mood because you drunk
when people stroke your hair
playing with cats
watching a good movies
thinking about nothing when you are running
joy of reading
laugh until you cry
when the weather is perfect to walk
staying in bed all day
sitting next to window and looking the interplay between the light and the leaves
being alone in the woods on a sunny day
when the wind blows your hair
throwing a movie marathon
discovering a new song
when your package arrived safely
discount and sale
a good conversation
a cozy bars
a fun party with a fun people
masturbate
chillin’ at the beach
having a smooth face